Why Men Leave Women
I’m about to tell you something about love that tons of men are going to be angry at me for telling you…
I’ll be “letting the cat out of the bag” with what lots of men REALLY think and feel when it comes to lasting love and relationships. And why they’re so often afraid of them, or just bad at being in one.
But let me ask you first- Have you ever been in love?
I’m not talking about the “obsessive-psycho-can’t-stop-calling-him-jealous-of-his-girlfriend-think-you’re-getting-married-and-he-barely-knows-your-name, love.
Sorry, you’re on your own there…
There’s a term for this – a “bunny-boiler” like in that movie Fatal Attraction. No, that’s NOT the love I’m talking about. I’m talking about the kind of love where you and a man connect and feel for each other on such a deep level that it’s shared in all kinds of generous and intense ways.
And did you know there’s a secret to love?
A secret that can help a man get rid of his fears of commitment and turn around his inability to share his affection and deeper feelings with you? Well, there is.
The reality is, most people have no real-world idea of how love is encouraged, begins, evolves, and sometimes fades away. We just know how it makes us feel and that we really want it. I might sound cynical, but I think that how most people react to the other person in their love life is more like an “emotional stop light” than anything else.
Slow down or speed up. (yellow)
But our feelings, motivations and “inner-psychology” aren’t wired this way. When it comes to love and its complex effect on our mind and body, there’s a whole lot more to it. So using the behavioral and emotional equivalent of a stop light isn’t going to cut it when you’re looking to create a loving and lasting situation.
Here’s where I’m going with this…
If you take the time to learn about what love actually is to our minds and bodies, and more specifically how men perceive and experience love, then your odds of success (happiness and fulfillment) go WAY up. So let’s get started.
THE MAGIC OF THE “HONEYMOON STAGE”
There are a few stages to love. The first, and by far the favorite, is the honeymoon stage we all know about. As I see it, the honeymoon stage is basically 50 to 100 times LESS important than any other stage because it’s where all relationships start and thrive.
But a majority of relationships start falling apart or end once the honeymoon is over. For lots of couples, love starts out as an intense”can’t-be-apart-stay-up-all-
When you’re in love, you probably think about the guy ALL the time and want to spend every possible moment with him. And you and your guy share an intense connection. The chemistry’s so thick you could cut it with a knife. And the world, people, colors, smells…everything seems brighter. The attraction level is unbelievable.
The honeymoon stage does some crazy things to your body too. Here’s a few of the “Love symptoms” that come with these chemicals in the honeymoon stage:
-heightened awareness (your senses)
-increased heart rate
-increased energy level
-an increase in your sex drive
-feelings of euphoria (intense happiness)
Actually, I’m kinda feeling this way right now after my third cup of coffee here at Starbucks. Anyways…
So that’s the first stage of love we all know about, want to be in and want to keep going. It’s no wonder that the honeymoon stage is often the easy part. But there’s a simple and unpleasant fact about the honeymoon stage…
If you don’t what’s going on with a man in each stage of love, and know what you’re doing and how he perceives it, all the great parts of the honeymoon stage won’t last forever.
**WHAT MEN THINK ONCE THE HONEYMOON IS OVER
I get emails everyday from women wanting to know how they can “get back” to where things were when things started with a man. They remember how things used to be and wonder why they can’t be that way now. So they ask themselves…
“Why is he so distant?”
“Why doesn’t he share his feelings anymore?”
“Why don’t I feel close to him, and why am I not getting my emotional and other needs met like I used to?”
So why is this is so common to so many women? I’ve recognized what a big part of it is.
When things are good, or more to the point comfortable or predictable in our lives, we DON’T like the idea of change… at all. In any relationship, after the initial attraction, mystery, intrigue, etc. passes and the honeymoon slows, guess what? Things start to change inside a relationship. Whether you like it, or not.
And both the man and the woman are responsible to know how to see it, think about it and deal with it. And here’s where TONS of women run into a whole set of COUNTERPRODUCTIVE thoughts and SELF-DESTRUCTIVE behaviors.
They get caught up in an almost hopeless battle to try and prolong the honeymoon stage and the ease by which they could connect and share with the man. Especially when they don’t see that the man is noticing or making the same effort they are. This usually shows up with things like the following (tell me if any of these sound familiar?):
-Noticing that a man isn’t as attentive or affectionate anymore, so you pull back to see if he’ll notice and close the gap, but he doesn’t and so you withdraw, leaving nothing but distance between you two
-Trying to CONVINCE a man to FEEL some way or act some way he used to or you want him to, which of course doesn’t work because you can’t “logically” make someone FEEL an EMOTION, and it all ends up backfiring as he sees you as needy or “nagging” and pulls away more
-You start “trading” him for the normal caring things any couple should do for each other. You only act open or affectionate if he does something first. You only initiate things physically if he does something first, etc. The list goes on…
Recognize anything here?
Well, these unfortunately common behaviors actually work as a special high-grade form of “man-repellent” in a relationship. When men sense the emotionally uneasy feeling these create, they most often do one thing with a woman… WITHDRAW.
And they start their own weird emotional versions of the same kinds of destructive and distance-creating behaviors. The truth is, every woman is going to go through situations that are going to make her want to react in these COUNTERPRODUCTIVE way.
But there’s a better way…
**THE DANGEROUS SECRET OF MEN IN LOVE
So what comes after the honeymoon stage? And how can a woman stay close and connected with a man so they both transition into the next stage together and enjoy it? And why do so many relationships fall flat during this time?
The next stage in our emotional love cycle is what scientists have called the “bonding stage”.
This second set of feelings and experiences are the “settle-down-raise-a-family-spend-time-cuddling-watch-movies-together” ones. They’re all about bonding, attachment, comfort and more long term stuff. And, I’ve been thinking about one big important question that I know tons of women want to know about which relates to all this.
We all know that lots of men can have a hard time staying connected and close to a woman after the honeymoon. When the intense physical attraction changes and things become more “emotionally involved”. Lots of times they’ll become, distant, boring, dispassionate, lazy, or ever worse… Unfaithful. Yikes.
With all this going on, the question is… *Once you have love, how do you make it last? Here’s where I’m going tell you the secret that most women don’t know about men and love. And it has to do with keeping things going strong once “the honeymoon stage” is over.
Men have a dark secret they won’t tell you about their views on love. And for most men, they couldn’t even tell you if they wanted to, because they don’t even know it about themselves… It’s also something that most women can’t understand about men.
I know you’ve wondered about it in the past and even said it to yourself. Well, you were right. Most men know about 1,000 times less than you do about real lasting love.
About communicating about love, experiencing it, sharing it, feeling it intensely, keeping it going… all of it. And hey, maybe that wasn’t such a secret to you… but you’re finally hearing it from the horse’s mouth here. (a man)
Seriously though – we can be idiots when it comes to being open and close partners in long term relationships. We don’t understand some of the things that seem natural, intuitive and obvious to most women.
And we often stop paying attention to the important aspects of a relationship, including consistent and communication, affection, honesty, you name it. I see it all around me, and sometimes within myself too, as a man.
But the reality is that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Here’s the thing… Some men weren’t brought up with a real clear idea of what else there is to love for them besides passion, sex, social status and maybe having a family. Which leads me to another secret about men in love… Deep down, men expect love to stay in the “honeymoon stage”.
Think about it.
For lots of men, the honeymoon stage IS the only part of love they’ve ever even thought about or identified as being something they really truly want.
I’m talking about the chemistry, the attention and the ATTRACTION here that so often drives men CRAZY and has them acting in ways they’d be embarrassed for their guy friends to know about.
That’s why, for so many men, when the “honeymoon stuff” isn’t new anymore, they think love and passion have all but disappeared.
And the truth is, for lots of men, they don’t know what else love is about… so they start to think that maybe this really isn’t what they thought it was.
Men at this stage often say things like:
“I guess she’s NOT the one.”
“I love her, but I’m not IN LOVE with her anymore…”
“She’s not the person she used to be when we met, and that ‘spark’ is gone.”
A LOT of this can be chocked up to the fact that the man AND the woman aren’t feeling all the intense honeymoon “stuff” anymore. And less mature, non-committal men don’t plain DON’T KNOW what is “supposed” to happen, and how it works as love moves into the bonding stage. And they often end up making terrible or disappointing boyfriends or companions.
**WHAT CREATES A LASTING CONNECTION WITH A MAN-BEYOND THE “HONEYMOON STAGE”
There’s something FASCINATING that I recognized a few years back as I was studying and observing behaviors inside relationships. Some women actually had an EASY time in relationships with men, while other women NEVER did, no matter what they tried.
In other words…
Being close, committed, passionate, intimate-these were all relatively simple and almost effortless for some women to have in a relationship. While other women had to fight, argue and STRUGGLE just to try and share the things they felt were “the basics” in any relationship.
Here’s the thing…
The women I knew who were the most successful at finding and creating what they wanted in their love lives with men all had a few KEY TRAITS or “habits” in common. In other words, there are several specific actions and behaviors that these women do inside relationships that make a man FEEL close and deeply CONNECTED to them.
After studying these things that some women do, and others don’t with men, I’ve boiled them down to two basic “relationship skills”. And these two things directly relate to whether a woman will have a strong, close and secure connection or “bond” with a man beyond the honeymoon stage…
Or if the man will start to question everything about the woman he’s with and their relationship, and close off.
1. THINKING AND COMMUNICATING WITH A MAN IN HIS “EMOTIONAL CONTEXT”
I learned something that works in every area of life by studying love and relationships. People who are great with people and relationships tend communicate in a way that is targeted or aimed at the OTHER PERSONS point of view, experience, and level of understanding.
Translation for you = if you want to really connect with a man, then HIS LEVEL of “emotional awareness” becomes YOUR CONTEXT for conversations about love and relationships. Otherwise, he’s not going to “get” or respond to anything you’re talking about. And everything you say and do to try and get him to understand you, and make him feel or act differently, will BACKFIRE.
And he’ll become MORE DISTANT and LESS OPEN to communicating and understanding YOU. And yeah, I get that a man SHOULD get most of this stuff that you probably already do about a love and a relationship if he’s in one with you-
But if he doesn’t… don’t make the FATAL MISTAKE tons of women make here by trying to CONVINCE him of what you know and feel to be what he needs to think and feel too. Assume a man’s got no idea of where you’re coming from when you talk to him about something you’d like to be different in your relationship.
Let me teach you a trick I learned by watching women who are great at communicating with men in relationships… An easy way to get in touch with his level of awareness and where he’s at is to ask him what he thinks about the relationships of the couples you both know.
You can learn a TON about how a man thinks about dating and relationships this way… And learn how to approach him and communicate with him as a result.
2. EMOTIONAL “INVESTING” (NOT SPENDING)
A while back in my life, I started looking at relationships more like investments in people, instead of a way to get a pay-off for myself. Investing usually means that you give up something big to get a little back consistently over time.
In other words, you don’t expect an immediate greater or equal return for what you’re putting in. It’s become the Golden Rule I’ve learned with people and relationships that helps keep me happy and sane:
“You’ll always give more than you’ll get – but it doesn’t “cost” you anything to give… so keep giving without any immediate expectation.” So yeah, I’m saying for you to be the person to make things happen. Take the fate of your love life into your own hands.
Be generous, take action, surprise him and be spontaneous instead of waiting for him to do it with you. I know this can be tough and frustrating. If you’re like most people, then you want someone to just “get you” and give you the kind of love and attention you crave.
But if you can separate what you want from what it takes to create it, you’ll find that doing these things will get you RESULTS.
And you’ll see that doing the things THAT WORK can be like magic with a man…
If you know what they are.
If you learn to trigger the responses and feelings that make a man feel MORE than physical attraction, but a deeper more EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION, men can instantly become more open partners and lovers than they ever were before.
And here’s the best part…
These effects can LAST, if you know how to keep these interactions going.
There’s a way to share with a man that won’t frustrate you, leave you feeling unappreciated and left doing all the work.
It might seem like it sometimes, but you don’t have to “carry all the weight” in a relationship with a man just to be close and loving.
In fact, this is a HUGE MISTAKE tons of women can’t keep themselves from making.
But if you want things to be different and easier in the LONG TERM, then you’re going to have to learn what to do, and when to do it when it comes to men and dating.
The BEST way to figure this out is to start understanding and identifying the signals and behaviors men send out.
Reading these signals, and knowing exactly what to expect in each critical situation from first date to a real commitment, can let you grow together from stage to stage smoothly, and without conflict or the insecurity of uncertainty.
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